If someone trusts you with news that they’re trans, there are a few key do’s and don'ts you should follow — and telling a journalist definitely falls under “don’t.”
As a transgender person, one of the most common questions I get from strangers is: “My friend or family member recently told me that they’re transgender. How can I support them?”
Below are five tips I give people who are thoughtful enough to ask.
1. Let them know they have your support.
If you’re asking this question (or taking the time to look up an article on the subject), you’re already on the right path. It’s important to make sure your friend knows you’re in their corner, as they’re probably afraid of how others in their lives will react. A simple “If you need anything, I’m here for you” can go a long way.
2. Respect their identity, name, and pronouns.
Ask questions like “What are your pronouns?” and “How would you like me to refer to you in private and when we’re around people who may not know you’re transitioning?”
If somebody is just starting to come out to others, odds are that there are still some people who don’t know and might still use old names and pronouns. Asking how you should react in those situations will help you avoid outing your friend to others who don’t yet know.
3. Educate yourself — don’t rely on your friend to educate you.
There are so many great resources on how to understand trans issues. While your friend may be happy to answer those initial personal questions about things like names and pronouns, they might become overwhelmed if you start treating them as a walking encyclopedia of all things trans.
I recommend PFLAG’s amazing resource “Our Trans Loved Ones: Questions and Answers for Parents, Families, and Friends of People who are Transgender and Gender Expansive.” The 102-page guide is a comprehensive piece of “Trans 101” literature that’s bound to answer some of your questions (complete with some more thorough do’s and don'ts).
4. Don’t gossip about them or “out” them to others.
The only people you should be discussing your friend’s gender with are people they’ve given you explicit permission to do so with. Going behind their back and outing them to someone they may not yet be ready to tell is not only a huge betrayal of their trust, but it could even put them in physical danger.
On top of that, when someone is hearing this news from a secondhand source (that is, you), some of the important details may get lost in translation, which get further garbled if this person tells someone else — it eventually turns into a game of telephone, and no one wants that.
5. Understand that this is not about you and your feelings.
It’s OK to feel confused, and it’s OK to not immediately “get it.” Those feelings are completely valid, but demanding to know why your friend didn’t tell you sooner (they were probably wrestling with this themselves for quite some time) or saying you feel betrayed will only hurt them during an extremely vulnerable time in their life.
Nothing you did “made” your friend trans, and it’s probably less that they were hiding something from you and more that they were hiding this reality from themselves.